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(How a cat goes from stray kitty to boss of the house)


1. The cat is not allowed in the house.


2. The cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.


3. The cat is allowed in all rooms,

but must stay off the furniture.


4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.


5. The cat is allowed on all the furniture,

but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.


6. The cat can sleep on the bed,

but not under the covers or on the pillow.


7. The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.


8. The cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.


9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat;

only the cat can sleep on the pillow.


10. The cat gives humans a haughty and dismissive look whenever

they deign to use the cat's pillow






I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!
Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!
Oh, ’BONK’ missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy
She's coming, she's coming!
Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks
right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.
She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...
The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!
Oh, oh, ’wiggle, wiggle, wiggle’ I cannot be still! You're home! And
look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!
I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years!
so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept
the house and it rained a little!
Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!
And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and
speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble."
YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy,
Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a
Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.
I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me–my
tummy, my
head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.
Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we
sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and ’L–E–A–P‘ I
get up here close to her.
And here she comes!
Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck
oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it’s my present to
her! Oh,
oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I
think I'm about to burst!
Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She’s coming back!
She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and
lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love ’lick, lick, lick’ you
taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face
day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!
My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh ’lick, lick, lick’. "Murble, murble,
Mickee, good boy, murble, murble."
I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur–it’s–not. It is
warm. I don’t know because I don’t think. How does she do that?
And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub
The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she
come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play–sometime.
tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.
Now she’s going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that
bowl – always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a
minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.
Oh, oh, oh....
Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I
what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now
sleep. But that’s okay.
She's HOME!
SHE'S home.
She's home.
And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and
while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won’t smell so tired. And
play and play.
S–i–g–h. I’ll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.
And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'’LL be home.
And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

-Written by Jana Mauney




DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid.  My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.




A Dog Diary

5:30am:   Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber-- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: he didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am:   Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am:   I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog. 

1:00pm:   I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy. 

2:00pm:   Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap that had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm:   Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm:   What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm:   Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm:   Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.





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